The Baby Morons

I've long had a theory that, between the conception and birth of each child, both parents lose 95% of their mental capacity.

Since I'm now in that between-conception-and-birth gap, I've been watching myself closely, like Charlie in the latter half of Flowers for Algernon. So far I seem to be faring well, but perhaps it's because my mind is slipping so badly I can't even see my own decline.

But I can still recognize examples of that decline in others. One of the main bits of evidence since my wife and I announced our forthcoming bundle of joy is the sheer number of parents who seem to think it's either the height of wisdom or the very essence of humor to point out to us that our "lives are going to change." Well... yeah. What is it that compels otherwise seemingly normal people to intone this tautology? Would they say it to someone announcing he had cancer? Or to someone announcing he was moving to Kuala Lumpur?

I've been through many life-changing events, including some very jolting moves across this vast country of ours. Nobody has ever said this to me before. And it's not only what they say, but how they say it, as if to imply that billions of much more idiotic people than us hadn't survived this change!

Steady Earl to earth: I KNOW MY LIFE IS GOING TO CHANGE. I KNOW I DON'T EVEN REALIZE HOW MUCH. NOW PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE, YOU SMARMY NUMBSKULLS.